Loyalty is RARE!

I saw a post today about relationships. It talked about the importance of not betraying the trust of someone who is loyal to you. The message was simple. When someone is there for you, truly there for you, and they are loyal, with their love, time, gift, whatever... don't take it for granted.

I'm on a mission for complete healing. Carrying the baggage of your youth for a lifetime doesn't make you strong, it drags you down, weakening you more every day.  I wanted to forget the things that happened to me; every bad occurrence. I practiced the art of forgetting, and pretended like it all was going to be all right. I accused others of being a liar, but it was me living a lie. I wasn't loyal to me!

Ephesians 2:10New International Version (NIV)

10 For we are God’s handiwork,created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

God's Word is true... so why is it that I wouldn't rely on God's Word? How could I not trust this truth? SMH... ridiculous right!?! God created me, knows me like none other, can protect me as I desired, can love me as I've always wanted... why would i allow anyone else to be in the position that was made for God, or for that matter anyone who desires His love. Loyalty had to be reserved for anyone who God has for me...

So now that I know where the problem lies... it's time to be present. I have to be present for me, I matter, I am important. I will not focus on what should have been, I will focus on what opportunities lie ahead. I will fix my future so that the world will open to my destiny. I am loyal to me! As scary as it seemed every day before now. I am excited about what this means. There are no limits. The best is yet to come.

Vow to live in truth...

Years ago I responded to a mandate to document my truth of what God was doing in my life. There were paths and directives I had been called to and saw some of that journey through, but knew I was falling short when I put my need to be loved... The mere idea of a loving relationship and marriage seemed so much more important than anything that I had been instructed to pursue.

I made the conscious decision to listen to the words of the person I sought after instead of the Word from God. I began to doubt myself constantly. I ignored all negative doubt and shade that was thrown my way when he told me that I made some very bad decisions (that was in regards to leaving my old job paying substantially less than my colleagues were making... How folks he knew in the same profession made so much more). When He said he couldn't marry me  until my credit was better, or how I would never earn enough money to take care of myself with the career path I changed to, my self worth and my motivation for pushing towards my mandate was placed on the back burner.

I needed to take ownership of choosing the path of listen/hold onto, or even  attempting to "fix" the lists of what needs to "be" in regards to a relationship with me. Light bulb moments along the way were not enough to sustain me. Breaking up many times, trying to move on, each time coming back to the "love"... But far too often I was awaited by resentment... It all started to become very clear. Not sure what type of relationship I had, but we had checked out. Despite the fact that I wasn't ready to deal with everything that comes with that, it was happening. Frequent texts and calls from friends, spending time out, getting missing for many hours, complaining that whenever we go out he always had to pay, or not want to go out because of it. One things for sure, you no longer want this relationship.

I tried to understand at first, but quickly realized, even through the pain of knowledge, you do NOT have a relationship. For more than one year intimacy has been monthly... It became evident whomever was in a relationship with him, it was her feelings that were now first. And being here, living in his house, only meant that he doesn't look like an asshole for putting me out. His way is passive aggressive and  deceptive. I could no longer pretend this was only benefiting him.

So this is where I stand... Thank you Lord for allowing him to cover bills at his home and help me on the journey of being able to work from home, that was more than generous considering I was convinced he was already dating someone else and really wanted me out. God thank you for putting it on his heart to use the money I gave him, sometimes nothing / $400 / $500 / $600 as much as $1000, you placed it on his heart early on to pay of my car nearly 6 months early. Even with my inconsistency  with rent ... But the lights were on, he fed me, and kept the water on (except the one time he turned the hot water off because he was frustrated with the infrequency of when I would give him rent.

Now, onward to taking care of me and starting over, while living my truth... I have to live my truth, separated... I don't miss an opportunity to share how I feel about him... I am hurt he didn't hold me to a higher level of importance, why I wasn't valued. I love him dearly (I will remain friends with him, and I don't miss an opportunity to let him know how much I still love him); however, I am moving forward to allow him to breath, and for me to walk in the life I know I've been called to, it's time to get the priorities in order and do only as God allows.

What do you see?

Lately I've been at a mad and extreme pace of applying for jobs. Applying, interviewing, and being rejected... The order has not changed for sometime now. But the time frame I can mark specifically. It's when I got discouraged and stayed there. There were many moments of hopefulness, even moments of insight, and direction. Overall, the truth remained as it was, I had simply failed to do what I have always done in the past, seen life exactly as God presented it to me, NO MATTER WHAT!

Confused? Let me explain with this... in the past, God would show me it's time to move out on what was next... Job wise, I never had difficulty seeing the plan as God saw it, and allowing that to change shifted the flow. In the past, I would simply hear God, follow my heart/gut, and move in the direction I felt led... whether I walked into a job site and was hired on the spot, or applied, and went through the formalities of filling out paperwork as my schedule was discussed, the flow was consistent. This time around had been different, I feared being unemployed, I feared not being able to take care of my family, I allowed panic to set in and winced at the idea of being rejected. And so it has been,,, NOTHING!

What have we been able to lock in on, and not waver or see any other way. The bible noted it this way:

Matthew 15:18 King James Version (KJV)

18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.

See what God has for you, don't waver from what He has said things will be, and simply watch it come to pass,

So far away

I can recall a time when I was returning home from dropping off my daughter at camp. It was her 3rd year, and I had already made it past the complicated twists and turns coming from the mountainous area that was the camp site. I was back onto the main highway, but distracted by exhaustion and conversation... On a path common, but tired and talking... Needless to say, somehow, missing my split to head towards my town, headed nearly an hourly past where I should have been... I should have been minutes from my home, but instead, managed to be much closer to a different state line, much less the city where I belonged.

How many times have we been distracted by exhaustion, exhausted and trapped by mindless conversation, activities, or attitudes that lead to nowhere... or even worse, lead you in the completely wrong direction, so far off course that it takes a complete "about face" redirecting turn around to put you back on the right path.

If you find yourself in too many life changing moments of headed in the wrong direction, it may be time to put your filter up... get focused... and have a come to JESUS moment and  recalibrate your order.

Matthew 6:33King James Version (KJV)

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

the  Message puts it this way...

Matthew 6:33The Message (MSG)

30-33 “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Seek Him with all your HEART... so you don't find yourself miles from what God has for you... His path for you is peace, that will never operate in exhaustion, confusion, idol chit chat, or activities that waste your time...