Years ago I responded to a mandate to document my truth of what God was doing in my life. There were paths and directives I had been called to and saw some of that journey through, but knew I was falling short when I put my need to be loved... The mere idea of a loving relationship and marriage seemed so much more important than anything that I had been instructed to pursue.
I made the conscious decision to listen to the words of the person I sought after instead of the Word from God. I began to doubt myself constantly. I ignored all negative doubt and shade that was thrown my way when he told me that I made some very bad decisions (that was in regards to leaving my old job paying substantially less than my colleagues were making... How folks he knew in the same profession made so much more). When He said he couldn't marry me until my credit was better, or how I would never earn enough money to take care of myself with the career path I changed to, my self worth and my motivation for pushing towards my mandate was placed on the back burner.
I needed to take ownership of choosing the path of listen/hold onto, or even attempting to "fix" the lists of what needs to "be" in regards to a relationship with me. Light bulb moments along the way were not enough to sustain me. Breaking up many times, trying to move on, each time coming back to the "love"... But far too often I was awaited by resentment... It all started to become very clear. Not sure what type of relationship I had, but we had checked out. Despite the fact that I wasn't ready to deal with everything that comes with that, it was happening. Frequent texts and calls from friends, spending time out, getting missing for many hours, complaining that whenever we go out he always had to pay, or not want to go out because of it. One things for sure, you no longer want this relationship.
I tried to understand at first, but quickly realized, even through the pain of knowledge, you do NOT have a relationship. For more than one year intimacy has been monthly... It became evident whomever was in a relationship with him, it was her feelings that were now first. And being here, living in his house, only meant that he doesn't look like an asshole for putting me out. His way is passive aggressive and deceptive. I could no longer pretend this was only benefiting him.
So this is where I stand... Thank you Lord for allowing him to cover bills at his home and help me on the journey of being able to work from home, that was more than generous considering I was convinced he was already dating someone else and really wanted me out. God thank you for putting it on his heart to use the money I gave him, sometimes nothing / $400 / $500 / $600 as much as $1000, you placed it on his heart early on to pay of my car nearly 6 months early. Even with my inconsistency with rent ... But the lights were on, he fed me, and kept the water on (except the one time he turned the hot water off because he was frustrated with the infrequency of when I would give him rent.
Now, onward to taking care of me and starting over, while living my truth... I have to live my truth, separated... I don't miss an opportunity to share how I feel about him... I am hurt he didn't hold me to a higher level of importance, why I wasn't valued. I love him dearly (I will remain friends with him, and I don't miss an opportunity to let him know how much I still love him); however, I am moving forward to allow him to breath, and for me to walk in the life I know I've been called to, it's time to get the priorities in order and do only as God allows.
